dear baby

I'm trying very hard to stay calm, cool, collected. I'm trying hard to be lovely and treat each day as if it's something of the norm. I'm trying very hard to bottle up the emotional rollercoaster I feel of tears and pain and put on a smile for you. To put on a smile because that's what you need. To put on a smile and give you what you want. I'm trying. Sometimes I'm a lot stronger than I think I can be. Other times, I feel so worn and beaten that I find myself disappointing you. I don't mean to. I never mean to feel like a burden onto you. I'm trying to be strong for you. For us. I know how much it means to you, and just how much you mean to me gives me the strength to keep trying. I never want to fail you. I never want to give up on providing you with anything you need. I love you too much to see that bit of disappointment you could have in me. I don't want to let you down. You've always helped me up, kept me up. I want to be a strong person for you. For us. For our future. I'm trying. Please acknowledge that. I'm trying my very best. I need you so badly right now. I need you to hold me and tell me that we'll get through this. That you love me. That we'll be able to have this in a much happier situation. We'll be able to hug and hold each other with joy rather than white knuckled fingers trying to get through it all.

I'm trying to be strong when you aren't there for me when I need you the most. I'm trying to be strong when you're unavailable to talk me through it or just occupy my mind into a happier place. I'm trying to not let it get to me. I know this will build up my character as I feel that I am to go through it alone. I'm sorry I can't be that stable for you right now. I've been swallowing tears and pain and they have consumed me. I go through the day times strong and at night time, I feel the weakest. That's when it's quiet, everyone is sleeping, and my mind races into a million thoughts. My mind leads my spirit to feel empty. I feel so empty inside. I feel like crying a thousand times over as if tears can provide me with some sort of solace. I never thought I would be in this position and now that I am, I find myself needing you more than ever. I need your kisses and hugs to tell me that it will be okay. That I can get through it. That I can endure. That we can endure and only strengthen as we share something so tough together. But I need you to know we can. I can only feel myself right now alone. I'm so tired of crying inside and putting on a calm face outside. I have to show the world that today is the same as yesterday. But it's not. I am a woman and I am a daughter. So I hurt. I hurt and wait for some sort of cathartic miracle to happen. I am trying to see that it will get better. I want to believe, but I need you so badly by my side. You've always been my pillar and I just don't know how to do life without your words to guide me.

As I give you all my strength and courage, please, I ask for nothing more than your love and support to be there by my side when I need your love and guidance.